近五年“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛决赛赛题及作品展示汇总

2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛决赛记叙文/议论文赛题及作品展示

本期，小U携2019“外研社·国才杯”写作决赛亚军的议论文作品与大家共赏，全面呈现选手破题角度、写作亮点，并力邀资深导师解读点评。让我们一起感受高分作文的精妙之处！

真题分享

选手破题思路

谢文娟 电子科技大学（指导教师：俞博）

2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛亚军

要写好议论文，首先要进行审题、立意。本题给出作者对人类干预自然选择看法的段落，认为人类对自然选择造成的负面影响主要体现在三个方面：第一，疫苗的发明阻碍了人类本身的自然选择，无法形成自身的抗体；第二，交通的发展实现了跨国通婚，使得全球各地的基因自由传播，阻碍了人类基因的自然选择；第三，办公自动化及人工智能的应用导致了人类的退化，自然选择不再适用。

题干要求回答是否同意作者的观点并阐释理由，行文时需表明作者的观点是如何影响和启发自己观点的。

审题完毕后，我首先表态不同意作者的观点，人类干预带来的并不只是消极的影响，而是利大于弊。我瞬间想到“塞翁失马，焉知非福”，其英文翻译可简化为“a blessing in disguise”，将此用于本篇议论文的题目，全文也以此为中心展开论述。于第一段描述现状，段末表明观点。第二、三、四段分别对作者的三点论述进行批判性分析与驳斥，采用总-分-总的结构，每段以态度明确的主题句作为开头总述，随后用相关依据和论点支撑该主题句，点明论据的合理性，并进行简要的扣题。最后一段采用问句总结全文，进行点题，重申立场，关照论点，强化观点的合理性。

很多同学在撰写议论文时习惯套用模板，认为能体现写作水平，但难免会减损作文的新意。所以在撰写本文时，我避免套用一般的模板句型，采取更为灵活的写法：用词注意准确，让词汇为观点表达服务；描述观点时力求明确，主题句表述清晰，辅以适当的修辞进行渲染，这样一篇合格的议论文也就基本成型了。

作品欣赏

Human Intervention: A Blessing in Disguise

The modernization of life has witnessed profound changes triggered by human intervention, and currently, the natural pattern featuring the survival of the fittest seems to be no longer effective or influential. A relatively wide range of evidence has demonstrated that the evolutionary process of human beings is in abeyance. As a consequence, human intervention has been denounced as an anathema to some individuals. From my stance, nevertheless, plausible as the fact might be, human intervention is by no means definitely lamentable.

There is no denying that human intervention has exerted remarkable impact on human life as well as the biological evolution of human species. On the basis of scientific achievements, the field of healthcare and hygiene has been blessed with laudable progress. Cutting-edge technologies have developed effective vaccines and antibiotics for the general public, but such a pleasant fact shall never be tantamount to the dysfunction of natural selection. Adaptability of human beings is still in action, although it is now working in a different manner. It is universally acknowledged that bacteria may evolve and proliferate prevalently and rapidly. Consequently, it has become pivotal for vaccines and antibiotics to be developed and upgraded on a constant basis so as to provide the general public with the safeguard against the detrimental impact of virus and the reassurance on a healthy life. Human beings, on their side, have to adapt to the medical effect exerted by the vaccines and antibiotics they have received so as to assimilate the dose into a part of their own physical pattern. Such adaptation and assimilation can also be claimed as one of the manners of natural selection.

Technological advances have facilitated transportation to a remarkable extent and offered an increasing number of opportunities for transnational marriage, which means the genes of human beings could be shared on the global scale. Strolling in the streets, children with parents from different nations are easily found. Such a phenomenon testifies to the fact that the prevalent global transportation has taken effect on evolutionary change. But, can it culminate in the halt of the evolutionary change? Certainly not! The chances for adaptability is by no means reduced due to such an ostensible perspective. Genes can be shared free from the limitations of the boundary, but natural selection has seen no end. The posterity of transnational couples may still evolve in accordance with the constantly changing surroundings. Natural selection is in action when some of their features and idiosyncrasies are changed by resorting to proper adaptations to the environment, for instance, the adaptations displayed in their appearance, lifestyle, and intellectual progress. Not only may such easy access to the sharing of genes give rise to improvements in the comprehensive capacity for their offspring, but also it is able to shape greater achievements in a wide range of respects. Indeed, such a phenomenon is conducive to the process of natural selection of human species as a blessing in disguise rather a curse that should be put to an end.

Industrial transformation and the development of artificial intelligence have engendered the automatic operations in factories and offices, human beings are now saddled with fewer manual labor tasks, nevertheless, it is untenable to draw the conclusion that the work of human beings could be literally taken over by such appliance. As is known to all that human operations and monitoring are indispensable for the functions of machines in case of accidental break downs or certain complicated instructions. Furthermore, machines are all researched and developed by humans, so that the ways for the optimization of apparatus should also be done by them. Additionally, individuals have to make proper adjustment to some extent so as to adapt to the functioning ways the equipment. Such adaptability that takes place in the human brains can also serve as an illustration for the natural selection of human species. Consequently, the advances in artificial intelligence and its relevant applications have never impeded the natural selection of human species, rather, they have merely alleviated the burdens shouldered by human beings, so that individuals shall be in a position to adopt greater adaptability to their daily tasks with conspicuous improvements in working efficiency.

Has human intervention really obstructed the evolutionary progress of natural selection? Or rather, it is just a blessing in disguise? I could not agree more with the latter. Under no circumstances could advances in the field of healthcare, transportation and intelligent devices hinder the process of the adaptability to natural selection, instead, such advances serve as trailblazers for new methods of greater adaptability to the constantly changing situation worldwide. Human intervention has facilitate the life of individuals and is in a position to offer marvelous opportunities for more suitable ways of mundane survival as long as the intervention is explored in appropriate ways.

（为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌，文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品，仅供学习分享使用。）

嘉宾点评

方云军  四川大学

2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军指导教师

2018“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛季军指导教师

这篇文章整体论点鲜明，行文流畅，论证过程逻辑思路清晰，结构层次分明，让人印象深刻，不失为一篇优秀作文。

从内容和结构看，全文结构紧凑，论证充分。作者在首段提及材料中的对立观点“A relatively wide range of evidence has demonstrated that the evolutionary process of human beings is in abeyance”，并明确表态“human intervention is by no means definitely lamentable”。在第二、三、四段，作者从三个方面进行细致回应，提出看法并加以佐证。第二段，作者认为自然选择并未因疫苗与抗生素的出现而停止，因为人类适应这些不断更新的医疗手段本就是一种自然选择。第三段中，作者提出自然选择不会由于基因交换受太大影响，基因交换反而会促进自然选择。第四段，作者坚信人工智能与机械不会完全替代人类，更不会消除人类的自然选择，在有些方面人类是不可替代的，且人类在适应与机器共存的生活时，自然选择会继续进行。最后一段段首用两个问句重申主题，并得出有力结论“such advances serve as trailblazers for new methods of greater adaptability to the constantly changing situation worldwide”。

从逻辑看，作者正确地分析了题干材料的论证逻辑，归纳出三方面，并在文章中分三段回应，结构清晰，逻辑清楚。整篇文章，作者善于使用各种指示词以及连接词，比如consequently, additionally…，体现出递进关系，加强了文章的逻辑性。

在词汇和表达方面，语言积累充足，优秀的语言有助于其主旨的表达，比如文章标题“Human Intervention: A Blessing in Disguise”，很贴切地表达了作者的观点，即human intervention看似有危害，但最终是有益处的。全文语言流畅，用词丰富，富有文采。

文章也有一些不足之处：

1. 结构方面：题目所给材料提及了对自然选择法则产生破坏的三个方面，即现代医疗、基因交换以及人工智能，作者对这三个方面一一驳斥展开论述，最后一段的结论也证明了这一点：“Under no circumstances could advances in the field of healthcare, transportation and intelligent devices hinder the process of the adaptability to natural selection, instead, such advances serve as trailblazers for new methods of greater adaptability to the constantly changing situation worldwide. ”但文章第一段只泛泛提及“A relatively wide range of evidence has demonstrated that the evolutionary process of human beings is in abeyance.”后面的一一回应就显得凭空而出，所以第一段立论时可适当归纳概括一下材料所列出的三个方面，这样能让读者更好地理解为什么，第二、三、四段要从这三个角度进行论述，作者最后的结论也会更加有力。

2. 逻辑方面：第三段相比其他两段，论述逻辑略显含糊。作者在阐述对立观点，即基因交换影响了自然选择时，没有解释清楚为什么基因交换会影响自然选择。（比如说，因为基因交换导致了基因多样性的降低，从而导致了人类之间基因与性状差距变小。而自然选择的一个重要条件是性状的不同，所以基因交换弱化了性状的不同性，从而破坏了自然选择）。作者只提及基因交换会带来“more comprehensive capacity” 以及“greater achievements”，而这两点又是“conducive to the process of natural selection of human species”，总体感觉不够深入透彻，说服力不够。

3. 语言方面：有些复杂或高级词汇的使用显得生硬，个别长句可稍加精简。

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选手破题思路

岳珏嘉 东南大学（指导教师：朱丽田）

2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛季军

读毕题目，我理解材料中的观点为：从自然选择的角度出发，人工干预对人类进化造成了破坏，因此应反对人工干预。但材料所谓“人工干预”恰恰是人类文明的体现。人类文明的进步，使人类可依靠科技和文明手段区别于动植物，以人类独有的方式“进化”。有了这样的思路后，我定下了本篇题目及论述重点。

行文过程中，于开篇表态，针对题目中的担忧，提出自己的反方立场，即所谓“人工干预”实则是人类 文明，不应因文明先进辉煌而遭受谴责和抵制。后续段落分别通过举例论述观点，回应材料中提到医疗进步、基因技术和人工智能这三个角度，明确这些看似“干预”人类进化的方面，正是人类进化的体现。通过一步步归谬，我对材料观点进行反驳，增强论述的说服力。最后一段总结全文，呼应标题，重申人类文明比人工干预更值得思量。

其实，我选择这样的立意，是有些剑走偏锋的，但支撑我坚持成文的是希望能够以己之力提醒有technophobia（技术恐惧）的人们，在科技飞速发展的今天，毋须谈科技色变，更不要鼓吹停止发展的论调。文明和发展本无罪，发展问题要依靠发展去解决，恐慌和抵制并不能解决问题，更可能带来文明的倒退。

作品欣赏

Human Civilization Outshines Human Intervention

Recent years have witnessed the heated discussion concerning the potentially dire consequences entailed by the unprecedentedly fast development of human society. Some people fear that the uncontrolled advancement of science and technology will bring about adverse ramifications which would eventually take a deadly toll on human beings itself. According to them, "the doomsday clock is on the verge of striking" if we do not endeavor to stop human intervention before it is too late. However, my view on this issue is different. The so-called "human intervention" is, if we view it from another perspective, actually "human civilization", which is not supposed to be to blame for its grandeur and sophistication.

In the first place, the fast-growing medical technology have been making great contributions to human evolving. Thanks to the progress made in medical cares and hospital facilities, human beings are able to live longer and survive harsh circumstances under which our predecessors are vulnerable to disease and death, such as the dessert zones or icy Antarctic areas. Also, human beings have been developing special treatments to combat what was formerly seen as incurable cancers, such as malaria, AIDS, and Ebola, managing to save lives and increase people's sense of security and happiness. All the uplifting results is evidenced in the global life expectancy surging from about 40 years old in the 20th century - the number of which was much dismal in under-developed countries - to over 65 nowadays. Therefore, instead of claiming such human interventions prevent us from adapting to infectious disease through natural selection, we ought to come to the realization that humans are evolving in a more effective and efficient way, that is, through technological advancement.

Secondly, the highly developed genetic knowledge is increasing biodiversity instead of destroying it. Since human beings became curious about how life forms and how myriads of organs and systems function in human bodies, the world has seen the burgeoning of biotechnology and genetic research. Through all the amazing findings by scientists and researchers, human beings not only have a better grasp of the secrets of life, but also propose new ways to enrich life forms. Because of cloning, we are able to "duplicate" endangered animals which would have been extinct otherwise. Because of genetic advancement, we are able to produce hybrid corns and vegetables, which have been pulling millions of people out of the risk of starving to death. Because of genes transplanting, we are able to create creatures we never see and also many other intriguing possibilities. Evolutionary change is not necessarily achieved by longitude natural selection, but also can be accelerated by modern genetic engineering.

Thirdly, the wider currency of artificial intelligence adds rather than distracts. Increasing automation and diminished human contact is the reality of today: a world where dexterous robots replace endless rows of Chinese workers and the trading floor specialists on New York Stock Exchange are ready to hand over the keys to Wall Street's version of SkyNET. That traditional teachers in classrooms give way to their counterparts on YouTube, under the auspices of the leaders of digital economy, is inevitable. Maybe that is necessary. But that is not the reason we should stop it - at least it's cheap and convenient. A case in point is the MOOCs, or Massive Online Open courses. It is essentially online classrooms, and are easily accessible to courses designed by professors from prestigious universities, such as Yale, Caltech and Duke. Even though MOOCs may in a large extent replace traditional teachers, it offers platforms and opportunities for those who fail to be accepted to selective colleges or those who cannot afford expensive high-quality education. It is therefore concluded that machines and modern technologies can be a blessing in disguise.

It may be argued that, no matter how we whitewash advances of modern age, human practice has been definitely intervening the laws of nature. It's true that humans aren't always comply with how nature works, but the interplay between human and nature can also be seen as human's utilization and transformation of nature by using their endless creativity and ingenious mind. More importantly, there's no point denying the advancing of human society. If the case is exactly what the author of the given paragraphs expects, all human intervention should be eliminated, and the best way for humans not to "intervene" is stopping developing, halting making progress and reducing back to barbarous creatures like any other beings then thousands of millions years ago. Needless to say, it is ridiculous and unrealistic.

In a nutshell, human civilization, another interpretation of "human intervention", should not be stopped or discouraged. The effects of human intervention in biological evolution of the human species pales in comparison with the profound significance that human civilization have on human species in terms of modern advanced technologies. The claim "Humans have stopped evolving" is, in my standpoint, "Humans have been evolving, but in a unique human way". And this is, in essence, how humans evolve far smarter and far more sophisticated than any other living beings.

（为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌，文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品，仅供学习分享使用。）

名师点评

John Olbrich

任教于清华大学

2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛评委

The judges were asked to evaluate the essays in the writing competition according to three criteria: content/ideas,organisation/development,and language. I shall follow this format.

Content was excellent, very well-argued and thought-through. The writer’s range of knowledge of current social issues was impressive, covering genetics, cloning, AI, disease, MOOCs and the New York stock market.  She/he argued persuasively for the continuing evolution of humanity through advances in medicine, AI and technology rather than along Sir David Attenborough’s more simplistic view of evolution as a Darwinian survival of the fittest.

Organisation and development were also outstanding. The writer followed a logical progression, numbering her/his points and with clear and ordered writing. Sentence structure was good, and her/his ideas were presented with clarity and intelligence. The argument had an introduction, definite paragraphs with separate points and a clear conclusion, and the argument was easy to follow yet with intricate knowledge.

Language was where the writer fell down. Although complex vocabulary was used widely and for the part correctly, this piece is not immune from simple grammatical mistakes – in particular

• singular/plural 单数/复数; please remember that a singular noun must take a verb also in the singular, and vice versa. For example: technology (singular)/have (plural); cancers/was; uplifting results/is; it/classrooms; effects/ pales; civilization/have. 

• “Dessert” is what follows the main course at a western meal; presumably the writer meant to say “desert”. 

• Please try not to use clichés such as “in a nutshell” (used by the writer), “it is a truth universally acknowledged”, or “every coin has two sides”. These expressions are fine, but if every student uses them then they lose their effectiveness. 

• In general, try not to use elaborate or complex vocabulary unless you are certain that you know what these words mean. This writer did use vocabulary correctly, but many students did not.

In general, this was an outstanding piece of argument, clear and logical and using a wide range of ideas and concepts.

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上周读过写作大赛高分议论文之后，是否感到意犹未尽，余韵悠长。

本次将为大家带来2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛决赛冠军的记叙文佳作，一起感受选手笔下的动人故事，聆听专家的细致点评！

真题分享

Write a story based on the poem A Traveller's Song by Meng Jiao, a Chinese poet of the Tang Dynasty. You can choose to write a true story or an imaginary one. You should provide your own title and write between 600 and 800 words.

游子吟

孟郊

慈母手中线，

游子身上衣。

临行密密缝，

意恐迟迟归。

谁言寸草心，

报得三春晖。

A Traveller's Song

By Meng Jiao

Translated by Liu Jianxun

The thread in the hands of a fond-hearted mother

Makes clothes for the body of her wayward boy;

Carefully she sews and thoroughly she mends,

Dreading the delays that will keep him late from home.

But how much love has the inch-long grass

For three spring months of the light of the sun?

选手破题思路

许泓一  四川大学（指导教师：方云军）

2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军

通过审题，我认为这次记叙文的创作主题明确指向亲情。这种主题的故事写起来格外容易流于俗套和矫作，因而，如何把一个司空见惯的主题写得兼具新意和真情便成为了我构思的重点。出于描写深挚情感的需要，我决定采用书信体进行写作，并通过化用茨威格的Letter from an Unknown Woman确定了我的标题。我同样用生死的问题来解释“unknown”一词，但比起茨威格小说中绝望的感情，我认为《游子吟》传递的恰恰相反，是充满希望的感激，由此明确了故事的整体走向。

在行文过程中，我特别注意保持记叙文的故事性，避免其成为纯粹的抒情文段。围绕着“我”对母亲在我成长过程中缺席这一认识的加深展开故事，并将母亲为“我”而死留作悬念，在对这一悬念的揭示中把故事推向高潮。

在写作中，我又反复阅读《游子吟》：游子为什么要离开？为什么可能“迟迟归”？基于这些疑问，尝试把整首诗理解为一个隐喻，并将这种暗示融进文中，希望通过“失去母亲的游子”这一意象引发读者的联想——关于成长中的漂泊、两代间的矛盾、向死而活的生命。

重读全文，我发现自己的语言还有不少缺陷，观点也不够成熟，但我仍然希望这个故事能带给读者一些感动与思考。

作品欣赏

A Letter from an Unknown Child

Dear Mom,

I have encountered the poem A Traveler's Song again in my class in the strange land where I feel lonely, and I cannot help writing something for you, Mom, even though we have been separated since long and I have to travel so much that I never actually speak to you. Now I'm writing to you to tell my story about your absence.

True, life was hard without you. When I travelled in this world at the age of ten, I was always bullied by others who enjoyed the jocund company of their mothers. They laughed at me, teasing me as a "pathetic pity", as some primitive creature with no family teaching. I tried to fight back, wrestling with the boys and pulling other girls' hair, which augmented the hatred between us. Other less malicious children would shun from my presence. Things became more tricky when I entered puberty, as a growing girl lacking common sense. I was too timid to ask Dad about the changes in my body, to whose answer I had to secretly search on the Internet for. How unfair! I'm nothing less than the others. The point is just that I travel away from you while others stay with your counterparts.

I did hate you, sometimes, but always I did not. I asked Dad where you stayed, and he answered, with a hushed sob that you were travelling all around the world. That was when I burnt your photos furiously and then buried the ashes in the ground, for I thought you were such an irresponsible mother to travel all the way with no caring for your own child. Yet I came to understand, gradually, that it was my dad and I who travelled constantly and even willingly, that you were always there, waiting to hold me and caress my face in reunion.

I understand this because I found the gifts that you had made for me: a hill of handmade sweaters which are meticulously designed and crafted at every corner, dazzling and rejoicing like a garden of unfurling flowers in spring; a mountain of toys for both girls and boys ( which I understand fully because you knew not my gender ); a box of letters that you composed for me, full of words like "dear" and "baby" and "my angel". Then I finally learned to love you. I learned to write, and the very first writing was about you; I tried to paint, and I without hesitation drew down my image of you. I returned to where I had buried your photos and dug out the ashes and turned the pitch black clay into a shimmering statue of you. Father loves you as well, by the way, keeping your slippers beside his bed and renewing your transportation pass every month. Only if we could cease to travel and go back to you!

However, I know I must keep traveling, because this is your wish for me, but your wish will never stop me from blaming myself. I have discovered the secret, to tell you the truth. Don't tell Dad, for I'm aware of how hard he has been trying to seal this. I overheard the reason why you were left alone and unable to travel with us when Dad was talking to my grandmother with every line on his face suffused with severe sorrow, that you had to leave because of me, that you left when I came to this world and embarked on my journey. But...but...how could you be so hard like a stone! To make me love you and let me blame myself! How could you let me kill you! I was paralyzed with an unnamed fit at that time and I rushed back to my own room, feeling something cold and sad streaking down my face.

I remember that night when leaves fell without wind, and I wished to barter my life for yours in vain. I remember in the dream that you tapped on my head like a ghost and sighed, with which I soon recovered and braved my lonely journey.

Now I have decided to live, not only for me, but for you. I still wear the sweaters you made, and I answer the letters you wrote, feeling your being perching on the bough of my soul. I shed tears, really, when I read the poem again. I know I must return late from my travel which is a life-long one, but I assure you that I will never forget you and never stop feeling grateful.

What a pity that you may not know my name, but I will always love you.

Yours.

（为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌，文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品，仅供学习分享使用。）

名师点评

田朝霞教授  南京师范大学

2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛评委

文学博士，剑桥大学、伦敦大学学院、墨尔本文法学校访问学者。南京师范大学“教学十佳”及“教书育人”奖获得者。

2001年起指导学生参加各类英语赛事，多次获国家和省级奖项。自2015年起，多次担任“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作、阅读大赛评委，并担任阅读大赛学术总顾问。《“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛官方指南》作者。

2019“外研社.国才杯”全国英语写作大赛的记叙文要求选手基于唐代诗人孟郊的《游子吟》，写一篇真实的或虚构的故事。

这是一篇触人心弦，使人久久不能忘怀的故事。其可圈可点不可胜数。

其一，标题引人入胜。

标题乃是文眼，“A Letter from an Unknown Child”立刻映入读者眼帘，使人忍不往下读。“unknown child”是谁？给谁的信？为什么要写信？发生了什么事儿？悬念迭起。

其二，书信形式新颖别致。

用书信的形式来呈现一篇故事出人意表，着实很妙！书信，是最古朴、最真挚的情感表达方式，也可以说是最隐私、最信任的一种情感交流，必然给人带来强烈的情感期待：是心跳、是惊骇、是悲痛、是喜悦？读者不由自主地进入一段体验的旅程。

其三，故事完整，跌宕起伏。

故事开始，在他乡读起《游子吟》，“我”不由想起“你”，于是向“你”倾诉没有“你”的日子。没有“你”的童年是没有爱和欢乐的童年，于是“我”心中生“恨”。“我”开始埋怨“你”的不负责任，愤而烧毁“你”的照片。而当“我”看到堆放得满屋子的“你”亲手编织的sweaters，当“我”看到堆成山的“你”为“我”准备的各式玩具，当“我”品味满盒子里“你”的亲笔信，“我”了解了“你”的爱。

一波未平，一波又起。“我”偶然获知，原来“你”的死皆因“我”起，原来“你”知道“我”的来临便是“你”的死期。“我”不禁感叹：“To make me love you and let me blame myself! How could you let me kill you!”“我”曾对“你”何等残忍、何等不公！“我”愿以“我”的命换“你”的，如果可以。“你”永远待在原地，“你”爱光芒照射我四周，从未远离；而“我”必须前行，这亦是“你”的希望。无风叶落的秋夜，你再入梦来，轻弹我的额头，于是我孤独的旅程再无恐惧。

今日再吟《游子吟》，“你”的手中线，“我”的身上衣（sweater），泪已湿满襟。在“我”的故事里，还巧妙地穿插着父亲、祖母。他们的出现自然地推动着故事的发展和转折，更加衬托母亲的爱，使主题更加深刻。

其四，语言表达可圈点。

应该说，在关键处，特别是感情饱满处，行文语言流畅自然，感人至深。例如“The point is just that I travel away from you while others stay with your counterparts”“Yet I came to understand, gradually, that it was my dad and I who travelled constantly and even willingly, that you were always there, waiting to hold me and caress my face in reunion”“Then I finally learned to love you. I learned to …; I tried to …. I returned to … and turned the pitch black clay into a shimmering statue of you”“I remember that night …. I remember in dream that you tapped my head ….”等。

其五，与所给材料相呼应，并巧用比喻发人深思。

题目要求基于《游子吟》写一篇故事，选手干脆就写了一篇“慈母手中线，游子身上衣”的故事。这是第一个照应。故事开头因读诗开始，最后以读诗结尾，这是与材料的第二个照应。第三个照应，无论是有意无意，可说是“妙”——是“travel”的隐喻使用。“我”是他乡的游子；“我”和父亲无时无刻不在路途中；“Only if we could cease to travel and go back to you”；“我”必须“keep traveling”以完成“你”的遗愿——“你”死“我”生那一刻，已注定“我”的不归路；“你”梦中的安抚，扫去“我”途中的孤寂与恐惧。“我”生来是游子，一路上都是故事，故事里充满对“你”的情思。

贯穿全篇的“travel”和“journey”让人想起“Life is a journey, and we are all travelers”的比喻——只要有时空和人的存在，又有什么时间轴上的延展不是journey呢？这个比喻并不是故事的焦点，却让人回味深长。

这篇作品有瑕疵吗？有，应该还不少。这里仅提两点。第一，语言表达及规范问题频现。这里不多举例。提醒注意信函开始的格式以及第一段的多处错误。第二，根据不同读者的阅读体验，可能有些读者感觉这个故事不够“新”。

在有限的时间里能够完成这样一篇故事，真的不该太苛刻。应该说，这是一篇主题突出，情节丰满，故事曲折，感人至深的故事。 

来源：全国英语写作大赛官网

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